The Avenging of Twiddlestix
by druggo-frog
Summary: James and Sirius go on a journey to avenge the death of a very special creature... minor swearing and sexual references etc, WILL UPDATE SOON I PROMISE!


"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The cry echoed throughout the castle. James came running into the dormitory, pink showercap still on his head, and matching butterfly towel wrapped around his waist. Sirius was on his knees, tears falling freely from his eyes.

"Sirius, what happened, what's wrong?"

"He's gone!"

"Huh?"

"He's gone, he's dead!"

"Who is?" asked James, quite clearly puzzled. It was quite clear because he was scratching his head at that point in time, and its stereotypical to be scratching your head when you're puzzled.

"My cello-playing hampster! HE KILLED HIM!"

James sighed. "Calm down Sirius, it's not like he could play We Will Rock You."

"But he could!"

James was outraged. "I AM OUTRAGED!" he bellowed. "That was the most talented hampster on the face of this earth, with the possible exception of that one that cooked a pavlova without using a spatula! Do you even use a spatula when you make a pavlova? But anyway, WHY KILL TWIDDLESTIX?"

"That's not the worst of it James."

"What is then, Sirius?"

Sirius gulped. "He broke the cello."

James's heart stopped. He thumped it a few times to get it going again. "The lime green one?" he asked hollowly, as though this was the sign that the world was about to end.

"Yes James," whispered Sirius melodramatically. "The lime green one."

James fell to his knees. His eyes emptied of all emotion, and he fell forwards onto the floor. Sirius thought he was dead.

"NO, JAMES! SPEAK TO ME! ARE YOU DEAD?"

"Yes."

Sirius burst into hysteric sobs that sounded like a walrus making love to a tree. Or it did to James, seeing as he had once witnessed that. Unfortunately for James, he had been the tree in that situation. "JAMES! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

James got up. "You gullible shit, Sirius."

Sirius stared at him like he was a zombie, until James saw a piece of the cello under Sirius's covers. He picked it up, and an evil melodramatic revenge-style glint came into his eyes, the one you see in movies.

"We will avenge you, Twiddlestix, and your cello. We will have your revenge! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Um James, why are you laughing like an evil man?"

"Lily thinks its attractive. Let's go find this musical-hampster killer!"

lllllllllllll

Two hours and seventy-three minutes later, the two found themselves in a gay bar passionately making love to random male bikies. They quickly pulled out their scripts and realized they'd gotten the wrong ones. Once they'd managed to get themselves into the right story, James pointed out that they were actually in a forest. Sirius told him that it was actually a city, and that the trees were really skyscrapers. James hit him.

After another few minutes, Sirius saw a bunny rabbit. Being the nature freak that he was (city indeed) he chased it and threw a rock at it.

"Pwease do not fwow wocks at me," called the rabbit.

"Why not?" asked James, completely unfazed that a rabbit had just told him off, and couldn't pronounce his r's.

"Because I am a vewy famous wabbit. My name is Wodger the Wabbit, and I am the only normal wabbit in this fowest."

"So, all the other ones tell us to have a party if we throw things at them?"

"No, they'll tell you to get fucked, because they are vewy vicious wabbits. They will bite you with massive fangs inherited from their grandfathers if you annoy them," said Wodger.

"OK, can we throw things at the butterflies?" asked James hopefully.

"No, for they shall cover you in a vewy poisonous acid if you so much as go near them. No my fwiends, you must follow me, for I shall be your guide, seeing as I have a map." At this, Wodger pwomptly pulled out a map.

Oh dear, now the nawwator has started to talk like Wodger. Somebody hit him, wight now.

SMACK!

Why thank you, I feel much better. Really I do. And it's all because I had the brains to call upon my professional hitterer person –

SMACK!

Yes now then back to the story.

"Hey, Wodger my man, have you seen a guy who killed a lime-green-cello-playing hampster?"

"Why yes I have." The boys got very excited and started tribal dancing around the nearest tree. "About twenty years ago." The boys promptly fell flat on their faces.

"Well, I must be off, I'd weave you with the map, but that would make the stowy showter. Toodles!"

Wodger pulled on some headphones and rolled off down the path (yes I said rolled) with the sound of rock music lingering behind him.

"What a stwange wabbit!" said James.

SMACK!

"Don't point fun at the wabbit, James! It's not vewy nice!."

So they waltzed off down the path, singing Britney Spears songs with a lisp.


End file.
